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Ever since a Let’s Play got me into Stardew Valley, I’ve fallen in love with the world. It’s something special, a place to relax and get away from the world’s problems. Here, you can pay bills with the sweat of your own brow, make friends, fall in love, and can escape the drudgery of modern life. It’s magical in its own way.
I’ve played hundreds of hours over multiple save files. I’ve been wondering one thing just recently, however. I remember when I first asked Robin for house upgrades and the sheer bowel-emptying amount she asked for. Seriously? That much for a kitchen? Now that I haven’t left my house for the past several weeks, fear human contact, and have deep dived into the paranormal, I’m overthinking something constantly: with regards to modern housework, does Robin the carpenter over or under charge you for her work?
To figure this out, it’s going to require a fair bit of math and a lot of guesswork. I’m going to have to establish a lot of ground rules but I’m going to try and be as accurate to real world costs as I can. We need to learn four things:

What year does the game take place so we can calculate accurate inflation?
What is the square footage of the house and its upgrades?
What is the exchange value of gold, the game’s currency?
What is the cost of Robin’s labor?

Let’s tackle the first. To do this, I scoured around to look for modern conveniences. Primarily, I found these five:

Leah mentions she has a laptop
The carpentry shop sells Plasma screen TVs.
There is what appears to be an old Apple computer monitor in Harvey’s clinic and Maru’s room.
Sam has an electric guitar and what looks like a plasma screen computer monitor in his room.
In Mr. Qi’s casino, the slot machines do not have a lever. This is important because that gives us a firm earliest date of 1963.

Another interesting factoid is the number of Cathode-ray TVs you see in Stardew Valley. These are the precursors to plasma screens, which were in turn succeeded by LCD screen TVs. Additionally, a large number of your starter houses comes preequipped with Cathode-ray TVs. Granted, this may be because the farmhouse was abandoned for many years before you came along, but there exists another such TV in 1 River Road where we often see George watching his shows. I will concede that George and Evelyn are quite old and may not have the tech savvy nature of Sebastian to get something more modern, so that can’t be an accurate measurement. Plus, Alex’s mental acumen is a little... questionable.
As for crafting recipes, there really isn’t anything worth talking about. Magic items I won’t talk about because it has no real world comparison; that also throws out the wizard shop’s items. The furniture catalog has nothing of note to pinepoint a date, and nor does Pierre’s General Store, Joja Mart, Joja Warehouse, the Blacksmith, Stardrop Saloon, or Marnie’s ranch. Leah doesn’t mention anything about her laptop, so that is of little help.
So the casino gives us a low bound. Although manufacturing of the plasma screen TV stopped in the US in 2014, plasma screen TVs were losing their market shares around 2007 and factories were shutting down. As you can buy them like hotcakes and fill a shed with them, 2007 is our upper bound.
The price for plasma screens was quite pricey for residential homes. 1995 was the year 42 inch plasma screens became commercial, and some had home installation priced somewhere around US$15,000. Still not quite the size of the queen or king sized bed you and your spouse have (the size of the plasma screen in the game), but sixty inch plasma screen TVs were sold around the year 2000, and that is plenty big. Given the size of the screen in the game is roughly three tiles just like your bed, I think it’s safe to say this is around the size of our estimate. Our rough year range is now 1995 to 2007. Let’s split the difference and say the game takes place in 2001.
We have our year.
To calculate the size of our farmhouse, we need some baseline measurement. Luckily, the game is pixelated so we can be quite accurate in our measurements. Unluckily, we have no confirmed height of anything, so we have to intuit some things. Reddit user asparagus made this excellent size chart, so while I can just use that and save myself a lot of work, let us do some measurements of our own and then measure the farmhouse with both this method and asparagus’ method.
First, there is the height of plants, but those can vary widely. For instance, you can pot prickly pear cactuses in your farmhouse, but their height can vary anywhere between one and seven feet. Plant height is a no go. The average height of a minifridge is forty three inches (109 cm) tall, so unless you are a dwarf, that’s not right either. The fences are also a good starting point, as most agricultural fencing stands at four feet (1.2 m).
Here we don’t have to do much; all fences are forty eight pixels in height. Four feet equals out to forty eight inches (121.92 cm). It doesn’t get more perfect than that!
Trigger warning: incoming math.
Now comes the really tricky part: getting the dimensions of each iteration of your farmhouse, and squinting at my computer screen like a mole in order to count pixels; we must include walls as well as that is included in square footage. Our first iteration has pixel measurements of 704x496. Add in the doorway (136x64pixels), and then we’ll still convert for square feet. 704 * 496 + (136 * 64) = 318,452 pixels/sq, which (dividing by 12^2) converts to 2,211.47 ft/sq. Damn, we’re well on our way for most modern mansions.
I have to have messed something up (205.45 m/sq, btw). The average firebox (the inside of a fireplace where you burn wood) tends to be around 32x20 inches (81.28x50.8 cm). Ours is... 72x40. Twice as large. I also haven’t even begun to calculate the farmhouse’s height because Robin is beginning to scare me.
Alright, new plan, we’re going with asparagus. I married Haley and took her measurements. She is 104 pixels tall, and since she is 65 inches (165.1 cm) according to asparagus, that gives us a measurement of .625 inches/pixel (1.5875 cm/pixel).
Side note, I really want some Twizlers right now.
So instead of having pixels as at a 1:1 ratio, we have something a little more lenient, but things are looking a little... grim. We’ll have to convert each individual amount, so we have (704 * .625) * (496 * .625) + ((136 * 64) * .625^2) for 124,395.31 inches/sq, 863.86 ft/sq., 80.25 m/sq. But still, we haven’t even begun to calculate the actual volume of our farmhouse yet, so these numbers are going to explode.
I’m beginning to think Robin is Hestia. Yoba is not the only deity in this town.
Alright, calculating the rest of the floor spaces is a little boring so let’s speedrun this.
Wall height for the farmhouse is 140 pixels, so (140 * .625) * 124,395.31 inches/sq / 12^3 = 6,298.95 ft^3 (178.36 m^3) for the farmhouse, and 25,800.51 ft^3 (730.58 m^3) using my method.
Just... let’s move on.
Second iteration has me doing a fair bit more work.
Wall height is 135 pixels, and rightmost—wait, the walls are shorter? Weird. Anyway, the rightmost room has dimensions of 486 for width by 375 for depth (and the same cubby dimensions), giving us cuboid dimensions of 24,603,750 pixels^3, which converts to 14,238.28 ft^3 (403.18 m^3), and 3,476.14 ft^3 (82.83 m^3) using asparagus' method
Middle corridor has a dimensional width of 42 pixels by 87 depth, giving us a total of 285.47 ft^3 (8.08 m^3), and 69.69 ft^3 (1.97 m^3) using asparagus' method.
Leftmost room (the kitchen) has a width of 870 and depth of 375, with a doorway of 136x64. That gives us a cuboid area of 314,019.38 ft^3 (29,173.11 m^3), and 6,388.74 ft^3 (180.91 m^3) using asparagus' method.
That gives us a grand total for a tier two home of...
... 328,543.13 ft^3 (29,584.37 m^3) using my method and
... 9,934.58 ft^3 (281.31 m^3) using asparagus' method.
So Robin added at a minimum 3,635.63 cubic feet to your house in three days by herself. Even if you extend the days and months to roughly align with our own calendar, that would be a mere nine days. How much powdered starfruit did she snort in order to do that by herself? I 100% believe Emily is the town’s dealer. I didn’t even calculate the length of the farmhouse loft. It’s doable, and even though you can’t enter it in the game, a bigger farmhouse means a bigger loft judging by the look of it.
Anyway, I’m not going to calculate the loft area right now. I’m not going to calculate the other tiers of your farmhouse either, even though that was my intent when I started this analysis. The math is easy enough, but it gets boring to type, and no doubt to read. Plus, I’m a little stunned by Robin's carpentry acumen. C’mon Robin, stop upgrading my house. Exercise with the girls, dance with your husband, smoke some weed, I dunno, RELAX.
But in a strange way, it makes a weird sort of sense. Pretty much no one plays the game with auto-run turned off, but do so for a moment. See how fast you move. That is your normal pace, and auto-run is you, an Olympian god, sprinting around town every second of every day, helping the shit out of everyone whether they want it or not, snorting the same starfruit mixture you got from Robin to keep going, who may have gotten it from Linus (my money is still on Emily). We’ve become so accustomed to seeing the run animation as our default I almost didn’t realize it doesn’t translate to modern life. The boards in your house, I almost took those as your normal 2x4 planks of wood (which actually measure 1.5x3.5, the world lies to me). They are not. They are almost the width of your entire body, and your walking pace (sorry I can’t get an exact pixel measurement) covers roughly one and a half boards, a similar length to a normal human gait. The art style fooled even me until now, but your house is massive.
Let’s just answer our other two questions. What is the exchange rate? Calculating the exchange rate of a fictional world is always tricky as they have different concepts of rarities, but I’ll give it the ol’ college try. Once again, I can’t do anything with magic. Let’s first list some things of note:

Iridium is fairly easy to get around Stardew Valley once you are able, and that is a rare and valuable metal, with a current price of US$1,510 per troy ounce.
You can purchase a golden column to place on your farm, and gold has a current price of US$1,643 per troy ounce
Conversely, while the first two are rare and valuable metals, crops such as corn are valued at prices like 150g, a very unusually high amount if exchanged 1:1 to USA dollars.
Going back to plasma screen TVs, we can use its price history and then convert currencies to Stardew Valley gold.

Now you may be tempted to say we can’t translate iridium and gold’s prices to real world market values, and normally you may be right, but there are some extenuating circumstances in the game: the town is right next to two very large mines. It is even a plot point once you clear the glittering boulder that the water carries ore from deep inside the mountain. Yes, gold and iridium are valuable, but your location to ore veins is important; gold and iridium may be uncommon resources but you have access to very specific places where they are more common, otherwise known as the scarcity heuristic). This also explains two facts about iridium: discounting magic, iridium is quite rare in the game, just like real life. Secondly, Clint’s prices make a lot more sense not only because it’s endgame material, but because iridium is super dense and has a very high melting point, thus making it a very difficult material to work with.
But by far the biggest challenge of this question is figuring out whether or not items you produce factor in the cost of your labor or not. For instance, lace is made of simple materials that even in the days of Victorian England, it was easy to get. However because lace was so time consuming to make, it could command absurd prices. Thus, one of the first things we need to discover is whether or not the game takes into account cost of labor or not.
So I am going to take you all back to school and talk about someone who’s old and dead: Adam Smith. It was he who talked about the cost of labor in his book The Wealth of Nations, and because of that, I bring up this particular line:

“...From century to century, corn is a better measure than silver, because, from century to century, equal quantities of corn will command the same quantity of labour more nearly than equal quantities of silver.”

Why did I mention corn above? This is why. Prices may vary, but agriculture has been around for thousands of years and the cost of a farmer’s labor equals about the same.
According to Dylan Baumann, Stardew Valley corn plants have a profit value of 535 gold per plant. Our corn plant profits are about as high as they can get without adding something new into the mix, and we don’t want that yet.
Let’s set some ground rules:

Cultivatable farm space on the standard farm equals out to 3,427 spaces, but we’ll round that down to 3,350 for iridium sprinklers, iridium watering can, and scarecrows, equaling maximum farming with no loss of crop.
We’ll keep Dylan’s ground rules, so no fertilizer.
No preserves, jams, wine, and juices.
No farming efficiencies and crop selling bonuses.
No use of the greenhouse to grow crops outside of the growing season.

If you plant the entire farm with corn and stop harvesting on Fall day 28 when the growing season ends, that lets you harvest a total of 11 ears of corn per plant. Multiply that by 3,350, we get a total of 36,850 ears of corn for your entire farm. Corn is measured in bushels, and a bushel of corn can be anywhere between 40 and 60 ears of corn, but we’ll say you really pack it in for 60, meaning your growing season for corn produces 36,850 / 60 corn for a total of 614.17 bushels per year.
The USDA has a 2001 labor value of corn at US$2.92 per acre (and that matches the Iowa labor statistic), and using 156 bushels per acre, that brings our labor cost per bushel at... US$00.02. That’s a real pittance. Considering bushels of corn retailed around $2.11 per bushel in 2001, that is an incredible markup of 184.85 times.
We’re almost done with the dreaded math, I swear.
Corn retails at 100g apiece in Stardew Valley(You get 50 gold from Pierre, so he has a 100% markup), meaning the labor cost should be around 184.85 times less that amount, meaning it takes about 0.54 gold to make one ear of corn.
Your average US farmers salary $55,000 and $100,000, and we’ll take the middle of $77,500 for our measurements. Dividing the farmer’s salary by the total ears of corn our farmer grows in Stardew Valley, we get a labor cost per ear of corn in US dollars of $2.10 per ear of corn. Now we multiply this by our markup ratio to get the IRL retail cost of corn in Stardew, getting US$237.08! Damn that better be some good eating! We divide that number by the Stardew Valley retail cost of corn, netting us a real world conversion of gold of, drumroll please, $2.37 US dollars per gold in 2001.
Now just for funzies, let us calculate the actual salary of your famer in Stardew Valley. Multiplying your 36,850 ears of corn by 50 gold (your selling price of gold, not the retail price of 100g), that nets you 1,842,500 gold per growing season. Multiply that by the dollagold conversion we just calculated and your real life gross income comes out to be US$436,672,500.
Give me all of the golden clocks, wizard.
Three questions down, one more to go. Currency conversion was rather tricky because it involved quite a lot of math, but this last question, what is the cost of Robin’s labor, that requires the most assumptions. There’s an easy answer and a hard answer.
Robin’s upgrades, except for the last, require you the farmer to give her resources in addition to gold. The simple answer is you are providing materials in order to keep the raw gold cost down. This means that the first house upgrade, 10,000 gold, is strictly her labor cost as the 450 wood is all the raw materials she needs to build. 3 days * 3 months (to adjust Stardew month lengths to our month lengths) comes out to Robin working an IRL equivalent to 9 days. Taking 10,000 gold / 9 days equals a cost of 1,111.111 gold per day, and considering Robin has snorted enough powdered starfruit to have 20 hour work days, that comes out to 55.56 gold per hour.
Just to be sure, let’s see if the math holds up for the last upgrade. That one requires a cost of 100,000 gold and comes preequipped with 33 casks. You do not provide the resources for the casks, meaning that comes included with the cost. Casks cannot be sold, but the materials required to make them are 20 wood and 1 hardwood, which Robin will provide for the same 100% markup (meaning 4 gold and 30 gold respectively). 4 gold * 30 gold * 33 casks comes out to 3,960 gold. Using the same calculations for the first house iteration, we get (100,000 gold - 3,960) / (3 days * 3 months) / 20 hours for a total of 533.56 gold per hour.
Not even close to our first estimate. We could just average them together for (533.56 + 55.56) / 2 = 294.56 gold, and that would be the easy answer. It would be nice to settle for the easy answer.
Let’s find the hard answer. We are going to calculate labor cost per square footage, and luckily most of the work has been done over the course of several google spreadsheets. To find the cost of materials and money per upgrade volume we get the formula (Upgrade volume - Base Volume) / 10,000 gold. This gives us a grand total of cubic material built per gold of...
...2,573.26 in^3/gold, 30.27 ft^3/gold, 2.89 m^3/gold using my method and
...628.24 in^3/gold, 0.36 ft^3/gold, 0.01 m^3/gold using asparagus’ method.
Let’s see if the math holds up for the basement upgrade and dammit I just realized I got to do more pixel measurements now. Hold on, be back in an hour.
Alright, I’m back. We don’t need to do any subtraction for the previous volume of the house considering the cellar is its own little area, but we still need to subtract the value of the materials used for the casks. The cellar comes out to a grand total of cubic materials built per gold of...
...386.91 in^3/gold, 0.22 ft^3/gold, 0.01 m^3/gold using my method and
...94.46 in^3/gold, 0.05 ft^3/gold, 0.0015 m^3/gold using asparagus’ method.
Huge discrepancy.
Before I get into my reasoning why, let us outline what we know first.

We’re pretty sure the game takes place in 2001.
We have the exact sizes of each house upgrade calculated with two different methods.
We have a certified exchange rate of US$2.37 at that point in time.
We have two different methods of calculating the cost of Robin’s labor.
The amount of work Robin does during her three(nine?) day job is absolutely obscene.

I come to one conclusion: Robin is a god that has settled down in the world of Stardew Valley.
Here me out. I have three pieces of evidence.
The first is when Robin is hired to take on a house upgrade job no one helps her, not even her husband Demetrius. Your house is right next to hers, so you’re not paying for travel. As we have shown by our calculations above and in the gDoc spreadsheet, that is a massive amount of work. It’s simply not possible for a human to accomplish such a monumental task. Robin claims she built her own home herself with this line from the game...

“Have I told you that I built our house from the ground up? It's definitely been the highlight of my career so far.”

...so we know her carpentry acumen is impressive enough for the job, but she has severely understated her skill. Homeadvisor pegs a house costing anywhere between US$150,000 to US$500,000 (US$102,005.53 to $340,018.44, adjusted for 2001 inflation), but even adjusted for inflation, Robin absolutely underbids the current housing market. Those inflation adjusted values, when converted to gold, come out to a range of 43,040.31g-143,467.70g. Granted, these prices are for a complete house, not adding onto a current house, but even if we half the value you are getting one hell of a discount.
The second piece is Robin’s language. The sheer passion for her work speaks wonders..

“Wood is a wonderful substance... it's versatile, cheap, strong, and each piece has its own unique character!”

...but perhaps she is just passionate about what she does. Many people are, but knowing what we do about how dirt cheap and blindingly fast she works let’s go into more detail about some things, specifically three lines. The first...

“Our little plan worked out well, don't you think? Pam and Penny seem really happy.”

...is said after Pam’s house undergoes an upgrade. “Our” plan? Sure, you are the one that buys the upgrade and Robin has to build it, but I can’t help but feel there is a double meaning behind this language. It is done out of the kindness of Robin’s heart and the materials have to come from somewhere, so she can’t do it for free, but it wasn’t about the money, as we have stated previously. It was about Penny.
Pam is a somewhat contentious person because of slobbish and slovenly nature. She is immediately and irrationally angered when Penny tries to pick the place up. She drinks heavily...

“\sigh*... My mother definitely has a problem with going to the saloon too much. But it's best not to dwell on bad things, right?”*

...doesn’t seem to understand not paying her tab has some consequences, and doesn’t realize what her habits have done to her daughter’s psyche.
Then you, the player come along. Pam is okay with the simple things in life, but you help Penny with her worries and insecurities, and then with you and Robin together, you give Penny everything she needs to help her shed those worries. She has a house that doesn have problems with rain, two friends who look out for her, her mom has a job, and most importantly she has peace of mind and in a world fraught with problems, that is truly priceless.
This is the second line...

“Hey! I heard some weird noises last night, and woke up this morning to find the quarry bridge completely repaired! It's a miracle of woodworking!”

...and it occurs once you offer items to the community center junimos to get the quarry bridge repaired.
It is also a bald-faced lie.
The junimos are good, don’t get me wrong, but we’ve seen what Robin can do with our own two eyes. She is absolutely incredible at her job, and while I may give it to her she has no idea what junimos are or what they are capable of, we have proof that the act of restoring the bridge in one night is not out of the realm of possibility for her. A miracle, yes, but I’m certain she can beat the junimos’ time.
Lastly, there is one quote from her that is just... it opens up some very interesting questions. When she says...

“My parents were bewildered when I told them I wanted to be a carpenter. They were pretty old-fashioned.”

...how old are her parents when they consider carpentry too new-fashioned for them? Carpentry is one of the world’s oldest professions. If they were old-fashioned, why were they bewildered?
This line is just so fascinating to me. Robin is incredibly skilled, but I cannot rationalize carpentry being too newfangled for parents to wrap their head around. Who were they? Where are they from? I know your secrets, Robin, I know your parents are gods, too.
The third and final piece is the contrasting pieces of the world at large. Just like ours, it’s a little depressing. Joja Corp runs dozens of what even Cyberpunk would consider a dataslave farm. The world is flooded with consumerism run amok, Orwellian surveillance, and rampant urbanization. The Ferngill Republic is in the middle of a war with the Gotoro Empire and Kent still suffers PTSD from being in a prisoner of war camp.
Stardew Valley isn’t just a town to retire in, it is a place of respite and healing. There are three confirmed magic users deeply tied to the town’s mystical roots. The bears speak and encourage you to manage the world around you. You are rewarded for restoring balance to the valley by being able to recycle things you don’t need. Your main resource in the game, gold, also doesn’t matter that much; if it ever slips into the negative, nothing bad ever happens. You must just work to raise it back up. There is no lose condition in the game.
In many respects it is similar to the Gaiaism philosophy that all living beings are connected, each relying and depending on each other in order to maintain a peaceful coexistence. You help Shane with his nihilism and depression, Sebastian with his ability to express and accept affection, Sam with his dreams, Kent with his problems, Leah with her ambitions, Haley with her generosity and narcissism, or even simple goals like Penny’s idea of a quiet domestic life.
Whether it is the addicted, lost, or scorned, everyone is welcome and everyone can have a home in Stardew Valley. No one embodies this more than Robin who just wants a simple life. Whether it is her own house or her own boat during the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies, Robin builds it herself. The feel of wood grain, the smell of lacquer, the stickiness of stain, the thrum of the saw, and the bite of the axe. Robin doesn’t charge you nearly enough for your house upgrades because it is not about the money. Woodworking is what she loves and she lives in a place where barterism, kindness, family, and friendship substitute so many of life's modern problems and inconveniences.
Friendship increases in the game aren’t just a measurement of achievements, a means of getting more recipes, or more candles lit on a grave. You are making friends and getting to know these people for who they are and everyone’s life is bettered because of it. The amount of love I’ve seen for Linus is just staggering. Shane, in all of his melancholy and despite him not being a suitor in the original version of the game, is loved by so many. I know some despise Haley, but I love that I was able to show her what kindness can do for people.
You are in a gentle and loving place, and you are loved.
What a better place for a god to reside? A quiet town filled with peace and love, seeped in nature and the old magics of yore. A loving mate, a family to raise. Land to share with those that forage from its bounty. It’s all she needs.
Robin’s role in all of this? She desires neither worship nor admiration. She is just a friend. A god, certainly, but a friend first and foremost who is just settling down in a quiet town looking for a little peace.

https://preview.redd.it/fkugiuh4nwv51.png?width=507&format=png&auto=webp&s=146d3dabaa63c0ce3bfd281712434e9b2a655be8
Image by MagicallyClueless

What year does the game take place so we can calculate accurate inflation?
What is the square footage of the house and its upgrades?
What is the exchange value of gold, the game’s currency?
What is the cost of Robin’s labor?

Let’s tackle the first. To do this, I scoured around to look for modern conveniences. Primarily, I found these five:

Leah mentions she has a laptop
The carpentry shop sells Plasma screen TVs.
There is what appears to be an old Apple computer monitor in Harvey’s clinic and Maru’s room.
Sam has an electric guitar and what looks like a plasma screen computer monitor in his room.
In Mr. Qi’s casino, the slot machines do not have a lever. This is important because that gives us a firm earliest date of 1963.

Iridium is fairly easy to get around Stardew Valley once you are able, and that is a rare and valuable metal, with a current price of US$1,510 per troy ounce.
You can purchase a golden column to place on your farm, and gold has a current price of US$1,643 per troy ounce
Conversely, while the first two are rare and valuable metals, crops such as corn are valued at prices like 150g, a very unusually high amount if exchanged 1:1 to USA dollars.
Going back to plasma screen TVs, we can use its price history and then convert currencies to Stardew Valley gold.

“...From century to century, corn is a better measure than silver, because, from century to century, equal quantities of corn will command the same quantity of labour more nearly than equal quantities of silver.”

Cultivatable farm space on the standard farm equals out to 3,427 spaces, but we’ll round that down to 3,350 for iridium sprinklers, iridium watering can, and scarecrows, equaling maximum farming with no loss of crop.
We’ll keep Dylan’s ground rules, so no fertilizer.
No preserves, jams, wine, and juices.
No farming efficiencies and crop selling bonuses.
No use of the greenhouse to grow crops outside of the growing season.

We’re pretty sure the game takes place in 2001.
We have the exact sizes of each house upgrade calculated with two different methods.
We have a certified exchange rate of US$2.37 at that point in time.
We have two different methods of calculating the cost of Robin’s labor.
The amount of work Robin does during her three(nine?) day job is absolutely obscene.

“Have I told you that I built our house from the ground up? It's definitely been the highlight of my career so far.”

“Wood is a wonderful substance... it's versatile, cheap, strong, and each piece has its own unique character!”

“Our little plan worked out well, don't you think? Pam and Penny seem really happy.”

“\sigh*... My mother definitely has a problem with going to the saloon too much. But it's best not to dwell on bad things, right?”*

“Hey! I heard some weird noises last night, and woke up this morning to find the quarry bridge completely repaired! It's a miracle of woodworking!”

“My parents were bewildered when I told them I wanted to be a carpenter. They were pretty old-fashioned.”

...how old are her parents when they consider carpentry too new-fashioned for them? Carpentry is one of the world’s oldest professions. If they were old-fashioned, why were they bewildered?
This line is just so fascinating to me. Robin is incredibly skilled, but I cannot rationalize carpentry being too newfangled for parents to wrap their head around. Who were they? Where are they from? I know your secrets, Robin, I know your parents are gods, too.
The third and final piece is the contrasting pieces of the world at large. Just like ours, it’s a little depressing. Joja Corp runs dozens of what even Cyberpunk would consider a dataslave farm. The world is flooded with consumerism run amok, Orwellian surveillance, and rampant urbanization. The Ferngill Republic is in the middle of a war with the Gotoro Empire and Kent still suffers PTSD from being in a prisoner of war camp.
Stardew Valley isn’t just a town to retire in, it is a place of respite and healing. There are three confirmed magic users deeply tied to the town’s mystical roots. The bears speak and encourage you to manage the world around you. You are rewarded for restoring balance to the valley by being able to recycle things you don’t need. Your main resource in the game, gold, also doesn’t matter that much; if it ever slips into the negative, nothing bad ever happens. You must just work to raise it back up. There is no lose condition in the game.
In many respects it is similar to the Gaiaism philosophy that all living beings are connected, each relying and depending on each other in order to maintain a peaceful coexistence. You help Shane with his nihilism and depression, Sebastian with his ability to express and accept affection, Sam with his dreams, Kent with his problems, Leah with her ambitions, Haley with her generosity and narcissism, or even simple goals like Penny’s idea of a quiet domestic life.
Whether it is the addicted, lost, or scorned, everyone is welcome and everyone can have a home in Stardew Valley. No one embodies this more than Robin who just wants a simple life. Whether it is her own house or her own boat during the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies, Robin builds it herself. The feel of wood grain, the smell of lacquer, the stickiness of stain, the thrum of the saw, and the bite of the axe. Robin doesn’t charge you nearly enough for your house upgrades because it is not about the money. Woodworking is what she loves and she lives in a place where barterism, kindness, family, and friendship substitute so many of life's modern problems and inconveniences.
Friendship increases in the game aren’t just a measurement of achievements, a means of getting more recipes, or more candles lit on a grave. You are making friends and getting to know these people for who they are and everyone’s life is bettered because of it. The amount of love I’ve seen for Linus is just staggering. Shane, in all of his melancholy and despite him not being a suitor in the original version of the game, is loved by so many. I know some despise Haley, but I love that I was able to show her what kindness can do for people.
You are in a gentle and loving place, and you are loved.
What a better place for a god to reside? A quiet town filled with peace and love, seeped in nature and the old magics of yore. A loving mate, a family to raise. Land to share with those that forage from its bounty. It’s all she needs.
Robin’s role in all of this? She desires neither worship nor admiration. She is just a friend. A god, certainly, but a friend first and foremost who is just settling down in a quiet town looking for a little peace.

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My problem gambling story from mid 20's dude

The Gambler's Fallacy - My Story of Gambling Away Harvard Med School & Promising Start-Up

The Time I Got The Pass

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bathrobeDFS - Daily Analysis for December 27th and Review of December 26th

Hello, everyone! bathrobeDFS here with your daily basketball article. First, I will breakdown my lineup for yesterday’s main slate. Then I will go over tonight’s slate from the perspective of a one lineup player on Draftkings. If you like this information, I provide additional updates, information, and stats on my twitter @bathrobeDFS. Feel free to throw me a follow cause it’s much easier and more timely to provide updates over that medium.
Yesterday In Review:
So over the last few days, I have been approached by a few people that asked me to start something called a Patreon and get onto something called Venmo in case they or anyone else wanted to “tip” me or what have you. I was hesitant to do something like that, but he told me it was akin to tipping your dealer at the casino. Ultimately, that argument won me over. So, while I can flatly say I do not expect anything, (nor am I trying to ask for anything by doing this), I have started both. If you are interested, you can check www.patreon.com/bathrobeDFS and www.venmo.com/bathrobeDFS. I hope this isn’t considered bad form, and if you don’t want me advertising this, I understand and I apologize. I hope you all don’t think anything less of me.
The other thing I did yesterday was play my lineup. Let’s take a look at it.
Lineup-

Name	Price	DKP	Value	Proj Own	Real Own	Diff
De’Aaron Fox	8200	43	5.2x	12.5%	12.1%	0.4%
D Rose	6800	43.25	6.4x	2.5%	9.7%	7.2%
Trevor Ariza	5400	31.75	5.9x	22.5%	12.5%	10.0%!!
Ibaka	5700	17.75	3.1x	5%	12.2%	7.2%
Cody Zeller	4400	19.5	4.4x	5%	7.2%	2.2%
Justise Winslow	5500	32.5	5.9x	7.5%	9.7%	2.2%
Luka Doncic	8300	50.25	6.1x	10%	13.8%	3.8%
Montrezl Harrell	5700	48.25	8.5x	10%	27.5%	17.5%!!
Total	50000	286.25	5.725x

Entry Fees: 48.75
Winnings: 73.80
Profit: 25.05
ROI: 51.4%
Analysis-
There were so many people at the top I wanted to fit in, I found this to be an extremely difficult slate to whittle down. Wall, Fox, Oladipo, Vuc, KAT, Kawhi, Jrue, Doncic, Drummond, Blake, Booker, Kemba.. I seriously could go on.. All of these players were in great spots, either due to game environment or injury. Picking the 2 or 3 you wanted was basically the key decision you had to make for the slate.
The first person I locked in was Fox. 239 total. SGA is not a good defender, and the Clippers are weak against PG in general. There was nothing from this side of the game that I thought was priced well enough to have a huge advantage over the others, so I locked in Fox, who i considered for legit 50 point upside with low ownership due to the hesitancy of people to pay 8200 for him (I base this on looking at the price and going "oh holy shit. 8200" and thinking everyone else will do the same)
The second person I locked in was D-Rose. I have done like, 9 of these articles so far. By far, the opinion that got me the most “shit” was that you should play D-Rose every day until he reaches 9k as long as Teague is out. Well, I am living the 6.4x life. Even in a blow out, they still gave him 38 minutes. Dude doesn’t get the respect he deserves, and I will keep using that to help me make money.
The 3rd person I locked was Cody Zeller. This one makes me really angry. Zeller had about 18 DKP going into halftime. Then they decided to play small, letting Marvin Williams get the C run for the most part, with Hernangomez still playing the backup role. If you take out the production Williams provided at the 5, “Horners Centers” put up more than 40 DKP against the Nets in 34 or so minutes. I don’t know why they went small against a team that can’t defend Centers, but it cost them the game. 18DKP going into halftime and finishing with 19.5! Are you serious! The point still stands - play Centers against Brooklyn
The 4th person I locked in was Ariza. Like i said, Washington is going to run him into the ground. Play him while he’s under 6k He might be at over 7k soon. I thought Wall would be more popular than his projection said (due to price) and I wanted to pivot onto Ariza who i thought would be less popular than the projection (and, for once, I guessed right about projected ownerships)
The 5th person I locked was Ibaka. When it came out he was going to play, without limits, in a game that Lowry was going to miss, with a Q tag displayed on DK, i wanted to get him as a pivot off of FVV, who i thought would be much more popular and facing the D of Winslow. If he hadn’t gone 2-10, maybe this would have paid off. I still don’t understand how it went so bad! Hey, they all have their bad days too!
Sixth, I locked in Montrezl. I wanted to run something back from the SAC/LAC game, he was underpriced at 5700, LouWill was back, and the projection was for only 10% ownership (man those are so bad).
This left me with 2 slots. I tried messing around with all those big guys up top. Vuc, KAT, Wall, Kawhi… but If i locked in Doncic, who was in a great spot against NO, I could also fit in Justise who the coach said would be running the point from now on until Dragic gets back. I thought this was going to be the combination that would lead to the highest combined points, so I locked it in and began holding my breath. Doncic was 1 Rebound away from a triple double!! Damn!
The Daily Slate:
A game that features basically every single team from the Xmas slate with the exception of the Kings who will be replacing the Thunder as team #10. The Bucks and the Knicks are playing again, this time in Milwaukee.
Situations to take advantage of (in no particular order):

Noah Vonleh - If you watched the Bucks/Knicks game on Xmas, you know why I was so high on Vonleh (and almost no one else) in this matchup. The Bucks are very attackable at the PF position, and Vonleh is aggressive enough to make them pay. Additionally, if Kanter is asked to guard Lopez, he will be running around the entire game defending 3s. Last game Kanter got in the mid-20s in minutes because of this. Vonleh wound up being the main beneficiary of this, and I expect much of the same tonight. In a game that features one of the highest spreads I can remember (Bucks by 14!!!), we have to be careful where we spend our money. I will get on this later.
Lakers vs. Kings - Game of the night?? You better believe it. Rondo is out, Lebron is out. Beasley is still out. McGee may not play. The Kings are 2nd in pace, the Lakers are 3rd. O/U of almost 230? Check. Spread of only SAC -3.5? Check. The prices on LA have come up slightly, but not enough to adjust for Lebron being out. Literally every person on this team is in play. Kuzma is a little expensive at 7400 but has legit 50 DKP upside. I particularly love Ball at 5500 and Ingram at 5800 against SAC’s weakest spots. If McGee misses, Zubac’s price is starting to come up, but 5400 is still probably too cheap, especially for this matchup. He can also be demolished by WCS who is only 6600. The Lakers and 2nd weakest against SG, which also means Hield at 6900 is someone I almost certainly will lock in. Fox is 8000, which against the plus defense of Ball, is the only one that gives me pause. Otherwise every other player is in a great matchup at too cheap a price. I hate to give so little analysis, but when every single thing is good, it’s easier to just say “find what you love, what you can fit, and whoever isn’t owned over 50% and do that” then just make up arbitrary factors in order to justify writing more words.
Dame and CJ - While their prices have come up from the Xmas pricing debacle, They are still priced far too lowly at 8300 and 6000 respectively. The Blazers are in a nice pace up spot, being the 20th i pace and the Warriors 10th. While the spread is concerning at GS -9, I still feel like this game has a chance to stay close and, if it does, it is going to come from both of these players keeping it that way.
Sixers vs. Jazz - Much like on Xmas day, I expect the game featuring the Sixers to be underowned compared to its potential. The O/U is a fair 218 with a close spread of UTAH -5. Additionally, many long term players are having a problem accepting the increased pace the Jazz have been sporting this year. While Gobert is the best defensive Center in the NBA, the Center position also scores the most points against the Jazz. This means Embiid, who’s price just snuck back above 10k, is still in a really great spot. Especially if Harden plays, I don’t think enough people are going to be on Embiid on this matchup. The 2nd best position with which to attack the Jazz is PG. That means Simmons, who is at his cheapest price in weeks at 8200, is in a great position to rebound, both metaphorically and literally (oooh! Professional writing!). While I think Butler’s Matchup Specific Ceiling is limited playing with Simmons and Embiid, he should be priced at 8000. 7200 just provides too much value. On the other side of the ball, I expect the Sixers to stick their best two defenders, Simmons and Butler, on Rubio and Mitchell. This gives Ingles, who will be paired with Reddick, a great spot at a ceiling game at only 5700. People will be scared off of Ingles against the PHI SF and won’t account for this change. Additionally, the only position against which Philly is really weak is PF, where Old Man Wilson Chandler and Mike Muscala have been hemorrhaging points. Unfortunately, PF for the Jazz is manned by old man Derrick Favors who i can only recommend if you don’t mind incredible risk, but has the potential to put up 30-40DKP in this matchup at 4800. While Embiid is a good defender, Nurkic is better and Gobert just destroyed him to the tune of 51.5DKP. They are going to need Gobert the entire game, and the stigma of going against Embiid and the OPRK on DK will cause ownership here to be far less than it should be.

Situations to be careful of (in no particular order):
lorenzoirenicus asked me a question yesterday - do I really fade entire games due to the O/U. The way I word things (situations to avoid) and the somewhat simplified explanations I can give (i can’t write 10k words every night), I understood that could be what it looks like. However, I look at all the pricing, the matchups, the pace, the spread, and a whole other collection of other factors. Sometimes I will grab players from games with high spreads or low O/Us, but it depends on the situation. So I have decided to change the name of this section from “situations to avoid” to “situations to be careful of” because, honestly, that’s what I’m trying to predict and preach in this section - games and situations that can hamper scoring, ceiling, and your profit. For example, in the first write up, I am not saying Giannis can’t go out and put up 70 DKP. I’m saying that there may be factors at play that make this less likely. With that, let’s get into it

Knicks vs. Bucks - On Xmas I noted how insane it was that, with Giannis at 10700 and Mudiay at 6900, there was a massive 3800 gap between the most expensive and the second most expensive player in this game. Well, somehow, that gap has now increased. Giannis is now 11100 and the next closest player is Bledsoe at 6500, which is a gap of 4600. 4600. Holy shit. I give Mike Budenholzer a lot of credit. Going into the 4th quarter of the Xmas game, it was already out of reach for the Knicks. He decided that, regardless of the normal MO, since it was a national game on Xmas, he would give the fans what they wanted and let the starters get their normal run. This is not something I expect tonight. The spread on Xmas opened at MIL -9. This one opened at MIL -14. The O/U is a healthy 224, so there will be a bunch of scoring, but I wouldn’t spend more than 20% of my entire salary on a player that, in the penultimate Bucks blowout, got 26 minutes. I view the rest of this game as something that depends on your risk aversion. Personally, I don’t want to pay full price on people that will only get 3 quarters of run, so I won’t. This does put players like Dotson, Hill, Wilson, Trier and Burke in interest spots. If you, like me, believe this game will be over well before the final buzzer, then invest in some of the almost minimum priced players that will get run in the entirety of the 4th quarter.
The rest of the Blazers vs. Warriors game - For those who read my article before Xmas day and then paid attention to the game you’ll know why I call them the Golden State TooManyCooks. While any of them can put up a dart throw crazy GPP game, while all 4 stars are healthy, I am hesitant to spend those prices for 4 people who all eat into each other’s production so much. The only position POR is particularly weak against is SF so, if you are going to play anyone on GS, I would play Durant. But, again, who the hell knows which of them is going to get hot any given day (it could even be Iguodala for some reason!) On the Blazers side, the Warriors are inclined to go small, playing Dray at the 5 a lot. I don’t think the Blazers will mind playing this way as well, meaning I have no interest in Nurkic. The only other players in this game I would have any interest in if i happened to have their salary left are the punts: Aminu is still too cheap at 4500. And if they do go small, I imagine that translates into extra minutes for the too-cheap Evan Turner at 3900. If you think there is no way this game stays close, Seth Curry at 3100 is an interesting punt, as someone who has no problem just shooting the ball 20 times in 10 minutes. On the GS side, in terms of punts, I won’t chase the Iguodala points, but I do think Looney is a fine punt regardless and Jerebko would be one of the “play in case of blow out” players.

Situations to monitor:

Celtics vs. Rockets - If you paid attention to yesterday’s article, you will remember that I pointed out there were 2 games without O/Us yet, The Wolves game, where Vegas was waiting for news on D-Rose, and The Raptors game, for which there was no pending news. Magically, Lowry “hurt his back in warmup” and wound up going from doubtful to out pretty quickly. I point this out because right now James Harden is listed as Questionable (although listed “out” on DK). However, Vegas hasn’t held out on releasing a 216.5 O/U with a spread of HOU -2. You think Vegas would be accepting bets against the Rockets if there was any chance Harden wasn’t playing??? Still, he is questionable so let’s talk about it. If Harden misses, this game will almost certainly blow out, so be cautious spending your money on the expensive people. If Harden misses, everyone on the Rockets is cheap enough to play (with the possible exception of Capela). Gordon would handle a huge offensive load at only 5800. Tucker is still only 4500. Gerald Green, House, and Rivers would get a lot of run and shots up and are 3700, 3600 and 3400 respectively. Even with the prospects of a blowout, Kyrie may still be too cheap at 8400. He is priced to be facing the defense of CP3 still, which he is certainly not. I also like Horford here for 5600. Capela is a surprisingly incredibly shitty defender, and Horford should be able to get all over and around him. If Harden is in, I have a much harder time playing anyone else on the Rockets except Tucker, Rivers, and Harden. Even then, there is enough tonight I will wait to see ownership. I’m sure Harden will put up 60+DKP, but at 11300 and what should be incredibly high ownership, it might make more sense to look elsewhere in tournaments.

Well, there we go! As I said at the top, I have a twitter and something called Venmo and a Patreon now. I don’t expect anything, but a couple people asked me about setting those up, so I wanted to make sure those folks saw. I am not trying to ask for anything, and I do apologize if you find this uncouth.
Let’s get rich together!! Barring any sort of family emergency, I will able to do a Good Chalk/Bad Chalk both tomorrow and Friday! I’ll see you guys there!

AF and White Male Dynamic at the Casino

Part 2: A Timeline of Epstein, Trump, Sex Trafficking, and the Intelligence Community

I don't think John DeCamp gets everything right, especially his claims about satanic groups, but in 1988 we learn about the Franklin Coverup, which Wikipedia describes as:

"The Franklin child prostitution ring allegations began in June 1988 in Omaha, Nebraska and attracted significant public and political interest until late 1990, when separate state and federal grand juries concluded that the allegations were unfounded and the ring was a "carefully crafted hoax."[1][2].

From the NYT:
(12/18/88) A Lurid, Mysterious Scandal Begins Taking Shape in Omaha

In the Executive Board's public session Monday, Mr. Chambers said the activities of Lawrence E. King Jr., the credit union's manager for the last 18 years and the central figure in its collapse, were ''just the tip of an iceberg, and he's not in it by himself.'' But Mr. Chambers added nothing that would shed light on his cryptic assertion....Mr. King is a 44-year-old Omaha resident who wholly or partly owns several small businesses here and lives with his wife and school-age son in a large house in one of the city's better neighborhoods. He is a tall, expansive figure well known for his costly style of dressing, lavish celebrations and extensive travel, sometimes in chartered jets and often with an entourage of young men.In 1972 he headed a national political organization, Black Democrats for George McGovern. But he gained greater prominence after he had switched parties a while later, serving for a time as vice chairman of the National Black Republican Council, an official affiliate of the Republican Party, and becoming a familiar figure on the Republican social scene.Mr. King has maintained a $5,000-a-month residence off Embassy Row in Washington and has also entertained generously at Republican National Conventions. At the 1984 gathering, in Dallas, where he sang the national anthem on the convention floor, he rented the ranch where the television series ''Dallas'' is filmed and organized a party there for black Republicans....Mr. King's trouble with the authorities came to the surface early last month when officials of the Government's National Credit Union Administration, acting on information from the F.B.I. and the Internal Revenue Service, arrived at the offices of the Franklin Community Federal Credit Union and shut it down. Then, on Nov. 14, the agency, which oversees the nation's federally chartered credit unions and insures their deposits, filed the Government suit against Mr. King, whose salary as Franklin Community's manager had been less than $17,000 a year.

(1989) Washington Call Boy Scandal

Craig J. Spence (1941 – November 10, 1989) was a Republican) lobbyist who was found dead in a Ritz-Carlton hotel room in 1989.[1][2] ...Spence was implicated in a gay call-boy ring scandal, that arranged after-hours visits to the White House, the Washington Times and other papers reported in June 1989. Afterward, Spence committed suicide in a Boston hotel....Spence's name came to national prominence in the aftermath of a June 28, 1989 article in the Washington Timesidentifying Spence as a customer of a homosexual escort service being investigated by the Secret Service, the District of Columbia Police and the United States Attorney's Office for suspected credit card fraud. The newspaper said he spent as much as $20,000 a month on the service. He had also been linked to a White House guard who has said he accepted an expensive watch from Mr. Spence and allowed him and friends to take late-night White House tours.[4]Spence entered a downward spiral in the wake of the Washington Times exposé, increasingly involving himself with call boys and crack,[5] and culminating in his July 31, 1989 arrest at the Barbizon Hotel on East 63rd St in Manhattan for criminal possession of a firearm and criminal possession of cocaine.[6]Months after the scandal had died down, and a few weeks before Spence was found in a room of the Boston Ritz-Carlton Hotel, he was asked who had given him the "key" to the White House. Michael Hedges and Jerry Seper of The Washington Times reported that "Mr. Spence hinted the tours were arranged by 'top level' persons", including Donald Gregg, national security adviser to Vice President George H. W. Bush at the time the tours were given.[5]When pressed to identify who it was who got him inside the White House, Spence asked "Who was it who got [long-term CIA operative] Félix Rodríguez) in to see Bush?", agreeing that he was alluding to Mr. Gregg.[5]Gregg himself dismissed the allegation as "absolute bull", according to Hedges and Seper. "It disturbs me that he can reach a slimy hand out of the sewer to grab me by the ankle like this," he told the reporters. "The allegations are totally false."[5]

I'll let you decide how credible you find any of this so far. It should be noted that many of the people implicated in these affairs -- Wilson, Singlaub, Moon, Casey, Rodriguez, Bush, Stone, and Gregg -- were also involved to varying degrees in the Iran Contra Affair, which illegally raised money for anti-communist terrorists in Central America through the use of death squads, rape, and drug sales. One does not necessarily equal the other, but sexual blackmail and human trafficking don't seem like much of a stretch.
An article by The Guardian notes:
Czechoslovakia ramped up spying on Trump in late 1980s, seeking US intel:

In summer 1987, Donald and Ivana Trump visited Moscow and Leningrad, following a personal invitation from the Soviet ambassador in Washington, Yuri Dubinin. The trip was arranged by Intourist, a travel agency that was also an undercover KGB outfit. Soon after returning from Moscow, Trump announced he was thinking of running for president. That presidential bid failed to materialise.In October 1988, on the eve of the US election, Ivana Trump visited her parents in Zlín, known at the time as Gottwaldov. According to the files she “confidently” predicted Bush’s victory to her father, who in turn passed the tip to local StB officers.“The outcome of the election confirmed the veracity of this information,” StB field agent Lt Peter Surý wrote, in a document dated 23 January 1989 and marked “secret”.The prediction came “from the highest echelons of power in the US”. Ivana was “not only a well-heeled US citizen” but moved in “very top political circles”, Surý stated....It is unclear when the KGB began a file on the future president. In Prague a bout 60,000 StB documents were declassified in the mid-1990s, after the collapse of communism. The StB destroyed most records.However, secret memos written by the KGB chief, Vladimir Kryuchkov, in the mid-1980s reveal that he berated his officers for their failure to cultivate top-level Americans. Kryuchkov circulated a confidential personality questionnaire to KGB heads of station abroad, setting out the qualities wanted from a potential asset.According to instructions leaked to British intelligence by the KGB defector Oleg Gordievsky, they included corruption, vanity, narcissism, marital infidelity and poor analytical skills. The KGB should focus on personalities who were upwardly mobile in business and politics, especially Americans, the document said.

Another article in the Chicago Tribune notes:
Czechoslovakia secret police file: Trump sure of presidential win — in 1996:

A year before the 1989 collapse of communism in many parts of Europe, details about Ivana Trump's 1988 visit back to her homeland were recorded in a classified police report. The Oct. 22, 1988 report claimed that Trump refused to run for president in 1988 — despite alleged pressure to do so — because he felt, at 42, he was too young. But the secret report said he intended to run in the 1996 U.S. presidential race as an independent, when he would be 50."Even though it looks like a utopia, D. TRUMP is confident he will succeed," the police report said, based on information from an unspecified source who talked to Ivana Trump's father, Milos Zelnicek, about her visit.It was unclear where the alleged "pressure" was coming from. [Note: In "Get Me Roger Stone", Stone claims he was the one who convinced Trump to run.]...Trump's first wife was born Ivana Zelnickova in 1949 in the Czechoslovak city of Gottwaldov, the former city of Zlin that just had been renamed by the Communists, who took over the country in 1948. She married Trump, her second husband, in 1977. As she kept traveling home across the Iron Curtain on a regular basis, Ivana became a tempting target for the powerful, deeply feared Czechoslovak secret police agency known as the StB.

And by at least 1989, Trump himself was in the social circle of both Iran Contra figures and the father of Epstein's alleged "madame", Ghislaine Maxwell:
(This is from a previous post I made, seen here. Some of the links are subscription only, but are provided for accuracy)
NY Daily News - May 5, 1989:

“Everybody, but everybody at the party aboard British media mogul Robert Maxwell’s yacht Wednesday night had to doff their shoes before boarding the plush-carpeted “Lady Ghislaine.” Maxwell insisted, and his guests cooperated, including Donald Trump (minus Ivana), who has a much bigger yacht and was happy to compare notes with Maxwell. [Note: This is in reference to the Kingdom 5KR, originally owned by Adnan Khashoggi, international arms dealer and uncle of slain journalist Jamal Khashoggi.] There were John Tower [Republican Senator in charge of the Tower Commission, which investigated Iran Contra]; ex-Navy secretary John Lehman [Reagan appointee 1981-1987], now with Paine Webber; lawyer Tom Bolan [law partner of Roy Cohn]; literary agent Mort Janklow [clients include both Nancy and Ronald Reagan for their memoirs]; UN envoy Thomas Pickering [currently a board member at the world’s biggest pipe company, OAO TMK, in Moscow and Chairman of the Rostropovich-Vishnevskaya Foundation, “a non-profit organization based in Washington, DC that supports programs to improve the health of children worldwide”]; and Peter Kalikow, owner of the New York Post [awarded the Israel Peace Medal in 1982; created a super PAC for Herman Cain that was later revealed to be entirely financed by his donations]; Maxwell’s daughter, Ghislaine, and his niece, Helene Atkin of Macmillan, the publishing house Maxwell recently took over."[Note: This sentence wasn't in the Daily News article but shows up in a St Louis Dispatch piece a week later]: “Maxwell, who weighs about 300 pounds, went over the guest list personally.""No one could tell who didn’t make the final list, but we do know that Martha Smilgis of Time was disinvited by David Adler, public relations chief at Macmillan. She wrote the profile of Maxwell which he apparently did not like.”

Who was Ghislaine’s father?

Ian Robert Maxwell "MC (10 June 1923 – 5 November 1991), born Ján Ludvík Hyman Binyamin Hoch, was a British media proprietor and Member of Parliament (MP). Originally from Czechoslovakia, Maxwell rose from poverty to build an extensive publishing empire….Maxwell had a flamboyant lifestyle, living in Headington Hill Hall in Oxford, from which he often flew in his helicopter, and sailing in his luxury yacht, the Lady Ghislaine. He was notably litigious and often embroiled in controversy, including about his support for Israel at the time of the 1948 Palestine war. In 1989, he had to sell successful businesses, including Pergamon Press, to cover some of his debts. In 1991, his body was discovered floating in the Atlantic Ocean, having fallen overboard from his yacht. He was buried in Jerusalem. Maxwell's death triggered the collapse of his publishing empire as banks called in loans. His sons briefly attempted to keep the business together, but failed as the news emerged that the elder Maxwell had stolen hundreds of millions of pounds from his own companies' pension funds. The Maxwell companies applied for bankruptcy protection in 1992....Shortly before Maxwell's death, a former employee of Israel's Military Intelligence Directorate, Ari Ben-Menashe, approached a number of news organisations in Britain and the U.S. with the allegation that Maxwell and the Daily Mirror's foreign editor, Nicholas Davies, were both long-time agents for Mossad. Ben-Menashe also claimed that in 1986, Maxwell had told the Israeli Embassy in London that Mordechai Vanunu had given information about Israel's nuclear capability to The Sunday Times, then to the Daily Mirror. Vanunu was subsequently kidnapped by Mossad and smuggled to Israel, convicted of treason and imprisoned for eighteen years.Ben-Menashe's story was ignored at first, but eventually The New Yorker journalist Seymour Hersh repeated some of the allegations during a press conference in London held to publicise The Samson Option, Hersh's book about Israel's nuclear weapons. On 21 October 1991, two MPs, Labour's George Galloway and the Conservative's Rupert Allason (also known as espionage author Nigel West), agreed to raise the issue in the House of Commons under Parliamentary Privilege protection, which in turn allowed British newspapers to report events without fear of libel suits. Maxwell called the claims "ludicrous, a total invention" and sacked Davies.[44] A year later, in Galloway's libel settlement against Mirror Group Newspapers (in which he received "substantial" damages), Galloway's counsel announced that the MP accepted that the group's staff had not been involved in Vanunu's abduction. Galloway himself, however, referred to Maxwell as "one of the worst criminals of the century....The Maxwell companies filed for bankruptcy protection in 1992. Kevin Maxwell was declared bankrupt with debts of £400 million. In 1995, Kevin and Ian and two other former directors went on trial for conspiracy to defraud, but were unanimously acquitted by a twelve-man jury in 1996.”

Epstein's own weird history has been spoken of to some degree, and I'm not sure I have much to add at this point, but perhaps it's important in context.
Financier in sex abuse case went from math whiz to titan

He taught calculus and physics at the prestigious Dalton School, a prep school in Manhattan, from 1973 to 1975, despite not having a college degree. Attorney General William Barr's father, Donald Barr, was headmaster at the time...Epstein left Dalton in the mid-1970s for a job at Bear Stearns at the urging of a student's father who arranged a meeting with the chairman of the investment bank, according to published reports. He later began his own money-management business, J. Epstein & Co....Epstein has long obscured the source of his wealth. Even after his arrest, he refused to provide authorities with even basic information about his income and assets. His attorney said Epstein's lawyers intend to provide the information but want to make sure it is correct first.This much is clear: "He is a man of nearly infinite means," federal prosecutor Alex Rossmiller said in court....Epstein also forged a relationship with Leslie Wexner, the retail titan behind Victoria's Secret, The Limited and other store chains. He started managing Wexner's money in the late 1980s and helped straighten out the finances for a real estate development Wexner was backing in a wealthy Columbus, Ohio, suburb.It was through Wexner that [in1996] Epstein acquired his Manhattan mansion, a seven-story, 21,000-square-foot former prep school less than a block from Central Park. It has been valued at about $77 million.

Around the same time, Trump started dating Marla Maples, who was working at his Atlantic City Taj Mahal Casino:
(1988) The Untold Story of Trump Model Management (Part 1):

Donald Trump, for his part, was becoming increasingly restless, and reckless. Despite fathering 3 children and having a devoted wife, by all accounts he didn’t spend much time with any of them, preferring work and play to the routines of domestic life. In the 80’s he made at least two life changing decisions-to step out on his wife publicly, and to expand his negligible empire into Atlantic City casinos. He built Harrah’s at Trump Plaza in 1984, and a partially completed building that became Trump Castle in 1985-a property that would be managed by his first wife, Ivana. He also scooped up the Taj Mahal in 1988, which at a cost of $1.1 billion made it the most expensive casino ever built at the time.

Some weirdness starts to pop up here, at least allegedly. According to the Philadelphia Inquirer:
(10/27/83) GROUND BROKEN FOR RESORTS' 2D N.J. CASINO-HOTEL

Resorts International, which opened the city's first gambling hall 5 1/2 years ago, broke ground yesterday for a second casino-hotel that will cost $250 million to build and will contain 1,000 hotel rooms and the world's second-largest casino.

According to Wikipedia:

Resorts International was a hotel and casino company. From its origins as a paint company, it moved into the resort business in the 1960s with the development of Paradise Island in the Bahamas, and then expanded to Atlantic City, New Jersey with the opening of Resorts Casino Hotel in 1978.

So how did a paint company morph into a multimillion dollar casino company? We're going to have to go to conspiracy theorists again. Make of it what you will:
Goodfellas: The Hidden History of Resorts International:

Resorts International was largely a family affair that grew out of a company called the Mary Carter Paint Company."Mary Carter (she never existed) was pretty much a family affair controlled by Jim Crosby, two of his brothers, and his in-laws. Based in Tampa, Florida, the firm included in its directorate James Crosby, John Crosby (a plastic surgeon in Mobile, Alabama), William Crosby (a Tampa realtor), and the Murphy brothers, Henry and Tom, who'd married the Crosby daughters. Henry owned a funeral home in Trenton, New Jersey, while Tom was board chairman of Capital Cities Communications, a successful broadcasting business founded by explorer Lowell Thomas. The explorer too was an early shareholder in Mary Carter Paint, as was Republican Thomas Dewey." (Spooks, Jim Hougan, pg. 381)Acclaimed researchers Sally Denton and Roger Morris note: "... the Mary Carter Paint Company, which was widely considered to be a CIA front that laundered payments to the Cuban exile army in the early sixties..." (The Money and the Power, pg. 284).This is certainly quite plausible considering Mary Carter was then based out of Tampa, a hub for joint CIA-Syndicate efforts to assassinate Castro. As was noted before here, Tampa don Santo Trafficante, Jr. was one of the gangsters initially tapped by the CIA's notorious Office of Security to arrange for Castro's untimely demise. Trafficante, a close associate of Meyer Lansky (whom we shall return to again), had been deeply involved in Cuba's gambling operations prior to the revolution and would later become even more deeply immersed in the world heroin trade. As was noted before here, he was very close to the emerging Cuban Mafia, which provided ample recruits to the CIA during the early 1960s despite much suspicion that Trafficante was a double agent for Castro.Certainly the Mary Carter Paint Company would have been well positioned to assist Trafficante in these endeavors in Tampa. And such a connection would also explain why the corporation, in the mid-1960s (as CIA Cuban operations were winding down), abruptly sold off its paint business and boldly delved into gambling. By the end of the decade it was managing one of the most profitable casinos in the world on the Bahama's Paradise Island.What it amounts to is that by the late period James Crosby emerged as not only the CEO of Mary CarteResorts International, but as an extremely well connected figure within the GOP and beyond."... Crosby was himself uniquely situated in Republican circles: a sometime guest at the White House, he'd donated $100,000 to Nixon's 1968 campaign. He was also a friend of, and frequent host two, Bebe Rebozo (with whom he banked). Moreover, Crosby's private intelligence agency, Intertel, was even then working with White House aides and ITT executives to discredit Jack Anderson's revelations anent ITT and Chile. At the same time, Intertel was the de factocustodian of the demented billionaire Howard Hughes (his own $100,000 donation would later result in two volumes of Senate testimony in the Watergate affair). Indeed, the ties between Paradise Island and Richard Nixon's administration were of the sort that bind: Allan Butler, owner of the failing bank that was his namesake, claims the Nixon was a silent partner of Crosby's in his Bahamian ventures, sharing a healthy chunk of Paradise Island bridge revenues with yet another secret partner, Bebe Rebozo. And by by no means finally, James O. Golden, Resorts' vice-president and one of Intertel's founding spooks, had formerly served as Nixon's Secret Service shield, later taking charge of security for the Nixon forces at the GOP's 1968 convention in Miami Beach. That Paradise Island is a special place, and had a special place in the heart (or what passed for a heart) of the Nixon regime, is abundantly clear... (Spooks, Jim Hougan, pg. 180) ...And that brings us to possibly the most curious aspects of Resorts, namely its ownership of its own vast private intelligence network.It was known as Intertel, short for International Intelligence, Inc. Intertel was incorporated in 1970 as an almost wholly-owned subsidiary of Resorts International and hit the ground running. During its heyday, Intertel had an impressive roster and an international reach. It would turn up in host of intrigues throughout the 1970s and 1980s. Curiously, it had its origins with Robert Kennedy's "Get Hoffa" squad."... Intertel, known especially and remarkably for its composition of former organized crime strike force attorneys from Robert Kennedy's Justice Department... The IRS considered Intertel... 'an organized crime enterprise of some type aimed at the Bahamas,' as one account summed up the agency's view. Roberts Peloquin and William Hundley, Kennedy's top crime fighters, had joined the firm and recruited operatives from the CIA, FBI, IRS, Secret Service, and other intelligence agencies. Staffed exclusively by what one author called 'Get Hoffa agents,' it was likened into a corporate CIA.' (The Money and the Power, Sally Denton & Roger Morris, pg. 284)...Intertel's other ventures include spying of muckraker Jack Anderson) for ITT, investigating the Chicago Tylenol murders and the Bhopal disaster. Even more ominous, however, were its dealings with a shady Belgium-based private detective agency known as Agence de Recherche et d'Information (ARI). As was noted before here, ARI was linked to members of the neo-fascist terror organization known as the Westland New Post, a few of whom had also been implicated in drug trafficking and pedophile rings. Intertel reportedly hired ARI to do some work for them during the 1980s....What is of great interest to us here is Trump's third Atlantic City casino: the Taj Mahal. While now widely associated with Trump, thanks in no small part to it leading to his first bankruptcy, it was not in fact Trump who started the casino. That dubious distinction lies with Resorts International.The company had begun construction on the Taj Mahal in 1983, but had run into persistent difficulties in finishing construction in the following years. Then, in April 1986, James Crosby died suddenly. This left Resorts in turmoil (allegedly) and Trump stepped in. Trump bought a controlling stake in the company in 1987 and was promptly named its chairman of the board.Let that sink in for a moment: Donald J. Trump, the current President of the United States, was briefly the chairman of a corporation long suspected of being a CIA front, that had decades-spanning involvement with the Syndicate, numerous "rogue" financiers, various drug and arms traffickers and which owned a vast private intelligence network...."

According to the Philadelphia Inquirer:
(07/22/87) TRUMP COMPLETES THE DEAL FOR RESORTS INTERNATIONAL

Developer Donald Trump took control of Resorts International Inc. yesterday in a $79 million deal that gives him his third Atlantic City casino, including what will be the largest gaming hall in the city.Trump sealed the deal in New York with those connected to the estate of the late founder of Resorts International, James M. Crosby.Trump paid a cash price of $135 a share for 585,068 shares of Class B stock, which has 100 times the voting power of Class A stock.He is expected to make a formal tender offer for the remaining 167,230 shares of Class B stock within the next several weeks at the same $135-a-share price. Owning all the Class B stock would give him 93 percent of the company's voting power.At a board meeting immediately after the transaction with the Crosby estate, Trump was elected chairman of the board of Resorts International, replacing Henry B. Murphy, Crosby's brother-in-law, who resigned.

And his relationship with Ivana was falling apart:
(1989) Ex-Wife: Donald Trump Made Me Feel ‘Violated’ During Sex

After a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot, Donald Trump confronted his then-wife, who had previously used the same plastic surgeon.“Your fucking doctor has ruined me!” Trump cried.What followed was a “violent assault,” according to Lost Tycoon. Donald held back Ivana’s arms and began to pull out fistfuls of hair from her scalp, as if to mirror the pain he felt from his own operation. He tore off her clothes and unzipped his pants.“Then he jams his penis inside her for the first time in more than sixteen months. Ivana is terrified… It is a violent assault,” Hurt writes. “According to versions she repeats to some of her closest confidantes, ‘he raped me.’”Following the incident, Ivana ran upstairs, hid behind a locked door, and remained there “crying for the rest of night.” When she returned to the master bedroom in the morning, he was there.“As she looks in horror at the ripped-out hair scattered all over the bed, he glares at her and asks with menacing casualness: ‘Does it hurt?’” Hurt writes.

In 1992, Trump would divorce Ivana. It's this same year that we find him arranging a party of 30 for himself, Jeffrey Epstein, and 28 young aspiring calendar girls:
(1992) Trump Was Alone at a 1992 Party with 28 Girls and Accused Sex Trafficker Jeffrey Epstein

Part of a “calendar girl” competition organized at Trump’s request, the party was put together by a businessman named George Houraney, who spoke with the New York Times for a story published Tuesday.Houraney was also one of many to accuse Trump of sexual harassment, this time toward his former girlfriend and business partner, Jill Harth, who described an incident in 1997 as an attempted rape by Trump.“I arranged to have some contestants fly in,” Houraney told the Times. “At the very first party, I said, ‘Who’s coming tonight? I have 28 girls coming.’ It was him and Epstein.”...Before the “calendar girl” event, Houraney warned Trump about Epstein once again.“Look, Donald, I know Jeff really well, I can’t have him going after younger girls,” Houraney recalled telling Trump in the Times interview. “He said: ‘Look I’m putting my name on this. I wouldn’t put my name on it and have a scandal.’”

[EDIT: MSNBC reports on 07/17/2019 on newly discovered footage of Trump and Epstein discussing women at a party in November of 1992.]
The Boston Globe reported:
(1992) The pageant of Donald Trump’s dreams

It was a snowy night in Manhattan, December 1992, and the festive group was embarking on a circuit of exclusive clubs after a sumptuous dinner at the Plaza Hotel’s Oak Room.As the limo wove through the city, Trump discussed his views on dating, according to one of the women riding along. The billionaire casino mogul declared that “all women are bimbos” and said most were “gold diggers” who would be smart to go after men with money. Like him.Rhonda Noggle, the model who relayed the story to the Globe in an interview, said that, at that point, she had had enough. Speaking sharply to Trump, she said, she asked him to stop the limo. The car grew silent.

(1989-1995) The Untold Story of Trump Model Management (Part 1):

1989-1995 just so happens to be the same time period in which Donald Trumps world and empire was falling apart at the seams. In the beginning of the decade he was facing the end of his first marriage and a looming court battle. Despite his purportedly active dating life, by many accounts Trump was being rejected by many, if not most, of the women he pursued-including Carla Bruni and Jill Hearth. Marla Maples, after years of being the secret mistress and repeated rounds of being dumped and publicly humiliated by Trump, was starting to lose her patience. And the big gamble he took in Atlantic City was, by all accounts, failing miserably-a direct result of his jaw droppingly awful business practices and general incompetence. In 1991, his Taj Mahal Casino filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. In 1992, he again filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy again, this time on his Trump Plaza Hotel (also in Atlantic City), at the time owing $550 million dollars. Recall that he would report an almost 1 billion dollar loss on his 1995 tax returns, according to the copies obtained by the New York Times. Indeed, the early 90’s were not a very good era for Donald Trump. In light of this fact, it’s worth noting that the sexual assault allegations against him are all clustered within this very time frame. [Note: This article was written in 2016, prior to more allegations]...By the time “New York Magazine” did a front page profile of him in 1988, Casablancas reputation for bedding young models was established and begrudgingly accepted (a price to pay in exchange for his “genius”) within the New York social scene, but the expose came as a shock to many outside the bubble. John Casablancas would soon find out that he was not as untouchable as he thought he was. In the article-which ran under the title “Girl Crazy”-Casablancas was portrayed as a champagne guzzling pervert, singularly dedicated to the “new look” department of Elite where he spent his days ogling the scantily clad, sometimes naked bodies of teenage girls. In light of Donald Trump’s more alarming comments and decisions around his daughter Ivanka, this quote stands out:"Casablancas talked about his seventeen year old daughter, Cecile. He said Cecile had been solicited by a photographer last summer on a beach in Ibiza. The photographer asked her to pose in a bikini, and Casablancas raced over to try to get a $2,000 fee for the shot. “She’s got a great little body” he told his models."Another quote that brings a chuckle and a nod of recognition in this story is Casablancas’s bizarre pride over never having changed a diaper. Donald Trump would make similar boasts in a Howard Stern interview a few years later. Compelling proof this is not, but I do believe it’s a hint at the kind of Don Juan persona that Don, far from a Juan, actually a dejected, balding husband with a crumbling empire....But the scandal did not end there, nor did it begin. Less than a month earlier 60 minutes aired a prime-time special on the abuses of underage girls in the modeling industry. Investigative reporter Craig Pyes portrayed the modeling industry as infested with agents who were notorious hustlers and playboys. His report revealed that both Claude Haddad- the head of European scouting for Ford- and Ford’s Paris-based agent Jean-Luc Brunel had been accused of horrific sexual misconduct by many models. [Note: Brunel's name appears multiple times on Epstein's flight manifests.] The special aired the interviews of dozens of women who accused both Brunel and Haddad of a litany of crimes, ranging from racist invective towards black models to violent rape. And in fact the hidden camera footage captured in filming the special caught it all- from Xavier lamenting about n**er models, to Haddad chuckling about drugging and raping 13 year old girls. According to Model At a retreat soon after the one-two punch delivered by the coverage, Haddad, Jean Luc Brunel and Casablancas were once again overheard (albeit not taped this time around) laughing about their crimes. Alternatively they were angry when confronted by interim scouting manager Trudi Tapscott - ”I’m a man and I have needs, I will not apologize for that!” Casablancas is said to have declared....Over time Donald Trump would emerge from the ruins of his empire with a new approach to business, and a new source of income-in 1996 he bought the rights to the Miss Universe franchise, and became the central figure in the running of these pageants. And in 1999 he started a modeling agency - T models, later changed to Trump Model Management. The correlation of interests is quite clear-for a man awkward around women but dependent on his public image saying otherwise, a stable of women under his employ was a way to boost his image-and even better, he was able to lock all of these women into non disclosure agreements, ensuring that his behavior with them had little chance of becoming public knowledge. It also appeared to have served as a useful tool regarding his business transactions-which, in the aftermath of his bankruptcy, were increasingly dependent on some less than savory characters. How he did this, and the breadth of this activity, will be explored in the next installment. But for the time being, there is one final aspect of this story that is breathtaking, and speaks more to the character of Donald Trump than anything else.

More in Part 3.

An LA coke dealer/writer describes his trade (I did not write this).

They asked Faulkner what’s the best job for a writer, in order to maintain a flow of day to day money and still have the time for his prose. His answer was to manage a whore house, reason being that the writer would glean material from people coming to get drunk and act bad with loose women. Further, the whore house environment would stimulate the scribe and expose him to new vernacular, resulting in better writing than can be had sitting around in some coffee house.
Well, William, I’m here to tell you that, with my pocket full of white dust in gram baggies, I am my own whore house.
How did a white boy with all his teeth fall so low, you ask? Maybe I’m unemployable, maybe I’m delusional. Maybe this, maybe that. I don’t deal maybes, motherfucker, I deal cocaine. And maybe you will too, if you read this manual. If you hate jobs and bosses. If you speak a little Spanish and carry a little gun. If you have a connection and a safe. If you aren’t a chicken shit.
Because, every night, I am forced, by dint of economic necessity to hobnob with degenerate humanity of all walks: rock stars and teachers, lawyers, doctors, and hairdressers. And sooner or later the kabuki of cocaine forces them all to admit everything. Turns out that the other side of the clock is where the richest lode of material for a writer really lives. My clients, the loquacious losers of the Gack Pack, drawn to me like moths to a blacklite, have told me every story, excuse, and routine jarred loose by truth serum they stick in their faces. So much so that I’ve achieved negative enlightenment.
I do it for us, dear reader. We’re all tired of reading the contrivances of three named bourgeoisie bitches with creative writing degrees from some tweedy east coast college. Everything that comes out of that machine reads the same. Naw, we want the raw uncut ravings of a drunk maniac dictated into motorcycle helmet while splitting lanes in K town with a headful of dust and pocket full of felonies. And that’s just what you’re getting now.
You think I could write this beautiful prose you’re reading sipping a soy latte through a straw? Hell no. To write this good you need a quiet place where you can get high, babble, wack off and scream. If you try to do any of that at cafe or college they will call the cops, I’m here to tell you.
I can confess to these crimes freely, because no one reads anything past the title anymore. But, If you have read this far maybe you want to get gooder at writing. And I’ll tell you what they didn’t tell you at your expensive writing school. It costs even more money to get good enough to compete out here in the casino.
I can afford to write shit like this because my moonlighting job will never go away. I don’t give a fuck about cunty editors bitching about how I’m scaring the away advertisers with bad language and incorrect content and run on sentences. As an outlaw, I’m free of lackey capitalism. I get to tell the truth. Because no matter what any cop, military, or rehab does, the product I distribute is heading to you now in c 147 military transports, 18 wheelers, by mail, mules, through tunnels, in coffins, submarines, launched by trebuchets, stuffed in assholes and, if you know me, on a fast vintage motorcycle.
See how fun crime is? The bonus is, if you get caught, you get to go to jail, where you’ll be in the company of great writers like Voltaire, Thoreau, Cervantes, Dostoevsky, Jack London, Ken Kesey, Malcom X and Hitler. Consider Coleridge stealing zithers for scag or Robert Louis Stevenson robbing stagecoaches to skin pop. I quote this quatrain written by Yeats after robbing a grave to buy more chloroform:
“‘from Ezra Pound on down Evidence is found, eating hash in jail is better than a degree from Brown” Think of O. Henry hanging paper to pay for tincture of horse tranquilizer. Or how Orwell was geeked up in Paris and London. Jack was Kerouacked on so many bennies that he typed a whole crappy book in one sitting. Aldous Huxley sold acid to children. Ayn Rand was a whore. Hemingway a “felo de se.” Satre smoked fry. Phillip K. Dick was so spun out he thought he could write. Stephen King was the “Ayatollah of Crackola” when he wrote his good shit.
You want to know why all these great writers had to commit drugs and do crime, outside of the fact that it’s fun as shit? Because to put black marks on white paper in return for green money paper is as close to alchemy as modern life allows. And alchemy is the type of wizardry which requires the adept to be mounted by the spirit.
A real writer has to win and lose and fear and hate and stay up real late and get arrested in a lime green bra because he’s trying to pick a melted bar twix out of his hair while going seventy-four miles an hour on the wrong side of the road in a snowstorm. That’s a good story. But, unless you’re Native American or forgot to eat dinner, you’ll never drunk enough to act like that without drugs.
If you don’t have enough time, money and drugs to act like a complete degenerate then you can’t hope to compete as a professional noveler or writist. People aren’t going to pay a sane, sober writer to write, mainly because they don’t pay writers anyway, and what kind of fun is sobriety and sanity if you don’t have any money? I wouldn’t read it.
Naw, girl, you got to go the distance, because getting paid for writing is like competing to be an astronaut in the NASA of Judaism. You up against smart people with trust funds. It takes the Right Stuff, which is drugs. For example, I had to take an Adderall, get butt naked, hork up a face full of dust, drink three micheladas and smoke half a joint while playing with a tazer to transcribe the mellifluous prose you run your eyes over now. The clever title required a case of whippets. None of that shit is cheap. Imagine trying to write a book!
It’s impossible for honest writer to afford enough decent drugs to write that good on a writer’s salary. Nope. You are going to have to work, unless you sell drugs. See how that works? And, you got the crime thing out of the way, too. Crime is always interesting to the reading public, plus free drugs. That’s two for one. Let me tell you, If you are going to get into writing for a living, you better get used to looking for bargains.
Because this ain’t Europe, asshole. Over here we eat our young. There’s no safety net. In America the artist is an enemy. If you fail you will be on the street, or worse, back at your parent’s house writing poetry about how you were misunderstood.
If you got a little sand in your pussy about breaking the law then drop to your knees, pray to the lord, and go home to Kansas. But If you seek to rank with the Heroes of Literature, apply the knowledge I’ve accrued as a professional criminal and member of the Writers Guild. Follow this step by step guide to turn America’s drug problem into your writing solution.
MOVE TO A CITY WITH MURDERERS IN IT The more the better. The cops in murder cities are worried about Hillside Stranglers and gang shootings, so they have less time to worry about why you are blaring Slayer at five in the morning with really skinny chicks who have a lot of earrings in weird places.
DO DRUGS I want to clear up some misconceptions about drugs: First off, you can’t abuse a drug, they don’t have feelings, or lawyers.
Don’t listen to anyone trying to make inanimate shit have feelings. That’s called “formification” and though formification can be fun, people who suffer from it are crazy. Like, that time you drank a whole box of fortified wine and saw impossible shit like Jim Morrison on a donkey and the word “ole” written in the sky. That was your brain was trying to tell you stop huffing glue on top of that parking garage in Tijuana.
What’s good about drug induced formication is that you’re not really crazy, you’re just on too many drugs. Which you can quit at any time. Not right now, though. Those dirty little kids with Jim Morrison will cut you with the razor blades they keep in their mouths if they think you’re a cop.
MIX DRUGS No. Wait. Don’t ever mix drugs. You have to pair them. Mellow the shrill shriek of cocaine with the bass of a yellow Vicodin. Pepper in hits of hash so the world sounds like a Big Muff pedal fed through a tin foil microphone. Garnish acid with whippets to achieve that “pissing on the electric fence” feeling.
The trick to not killing yourself on drugs is, depending on time zones, hormones and barometric factors, only one red pill with no more that two or three drinks every one to three hours. And blue pills are for whiskey, unless there’s beer.
Also, it’s good to have downers around because, remember, you are only three missed sleeps away from going insane.
JOBS Fuck that shit. Having a job fucks up your circadian rhythm.
If don’t have to get up in the morning then technically you don’t have a hangover, because you’re asleep. If you don’t have a hangover, then, you’re not an alcoholic. What’s more important? Having a job or not being an alcoholic?
BARTEND The only job worth getting for a prospective drug dealer is bartending because dealing drugs is the same thing as tending bar but without all the dishwashing.
Bartending is also great way to figure who is addicted to what, how often, and how much money they are used to spending on losing their minds. Plus, free drinks!
After a year working in any bar, anywhere, you will meet tons of drug fiends and connections. Consequently, your phone will become a gold mine. Take note of who hates The Man, because they will become your new customers
THE MAN The Man is the guy that comes in and drinks a beer really fast. Talks to some people. Does a little hand to hand. Leaves.
NICKNAME A street name is necessary because you don’t want your mama reading your government name in a deposition.
Introduce yourself to The Man with the nickname you desire. Hopefully, it sticks. Or else they’ll call you by a descriptive name, like if you if you have a fat week when met you will be Gordo, forever, even if you work out three times a day and quit eating gluten. Even if you get manorexia, you will still be called “fat” in their language long after you know what it means because you looked it up on your phone.
NEGOTIATING Okay, this is the part that can get you killed. So, it’s important to get really drunk for it.
The trick is to get in a drinking contest with The Man, shot for shot. In the course of this contest tell him you want to learn Spanish. “Como se dice” or in English “how do you say.”
“Come se dice this is good gack, cabrone?” the Man will tell you “Tu perioco is muy bueno!” Then you say it to him in his language. This will create trust, plus, you’ll get more drugs.
People who work for cartels are like organic farmers with their product, they have pride in it, so be sure to inquire the provenance of the dust. (Ahh! Columbia! Muy Bueno!)
Then teach the Man how to do the “Bjorn Borg” The correct way to perform a “Bjorn Borg” is to do a line of coke, bite a lime, throw the lime in the air, drink the shot of tequila, and then swat the lime into the bar wall, screaming as if you were serving a tennis ball. The Man will love that shit, I guarantee.
That’s when you hit him with “Como se dice how much is an ounce of this fucking gack?” (Cuanto questo un zay para pinche cocaina aqui, deek?)
Pro tip: Never ask for a kilo straight away. You don’t have the infrastructure. To buy a kilo of cocaine is to admit that you have 28 grand laying around, which is not some shit you need to be telling gangsters unless you want to go for a ride in a trunk.
Relax, bitch. Selling drugs isn’t as scary as it was during the hot-blooded Scarface days. Every Paisa knows they will be dissolved in a barrel if they do anything wrong. The corporate structure of cartels have normalized the game so you don’t have to be in a gang or even tote a machine gun because you are the final node in the delivery process.
If you prove to be reliable you’ll live under the rubric of their gang structure, a benefit to you if you end up in jail or if you need someone killed for a thousand bucks.
CUSTOMERS Selling drugs to hipsters, punks and cunts is not as easy as it sounds. No one has ever taught these kids today anything. Not math, not science, not how to not get arrested. The relaxed marijuana laws have further drained all the rigor out of the game.
Kids today, despite whole governments getting hacked, despite every sign that we are being monitored, still think it’s okay to act like a public fiend. You’ll have to get naked and wave pistols at them when they come by your house at five in the morning asking for credit. You’ll have to beat their teeth in when they send you emojis of an eight ball and a skier. You’ll have to fuck their girlfriends when they get too drunk. That’s your job as a drug dealer.
DRESS SQUARE Try to look Christian or cop. Don’t signify.
COPS I learned this “Gay or Christian” rule from growing up in the south and it comes in handy when having to interface with profiling from law enforcement.
One night I was smuggling a hippy, a black person and a couple ounces of gack through West Texas. I got pulled over going 67 mph in a 65 mile an hour zone. The hippy and the black chick freaked out because they were right. We were done.
The cop was a big local yokel with baby blue eyes that he demanded I look into when he said, “now look in my eyes and tell me true, do you have any knives or xanax?” which were the two things I didn’t have. I did have a pistol at my waist and a half an ounce of hash, but he didn’t ask me about that so I looked him the eye and told him true.
Then he asked me when the last time I smoked weed was and I told him right before I went in the army and gave him my fathers unit: 134th Armored Brigade, Third Division, Fort Bragg.
He shined a bright sodium beam light on the hippy and the black chick, looking guilty as hell, staring straight ahead as if they were still driving in a car.
“What about them? Do they have any drugs?” is what the Cop asked, but the subtext was: “What’s a normal looking white man, with all his teeth, doing with these types if it wasn’t drugs?”
So, I laid this on him:
“No sir, we are Christians.” Because that is the only thing that we could have been.
Cops see different races hanging out together and they assume it’s drugs. To a cop there is no other reason to look freaky or misceganate other than drugs. Unless you are gay, Christian, retarded or into theater. Each one of these categories is so strange that a cop is afraid to interface with people who claim any of it.
Gay Christian thespians are no fun for a cop to bust at all. The existence of people who are any one of these is so foreign to big headed Texas cops that he didn’t even want to listen to us cry in the car on the way to jail.
See, to play on the cops fear of faggotry was my only option. This twist was enough to let us go with just a warning. Without the twist, we would have been searched and I would be writing this on toilet paper with a short pencil in a Texas jail.
BAD REPUTATION Self-defense schools spend years training people how to kick people in the balls. I’m going to save you thousands of dollars and a lot of trouble by telling you how to poke eyes.
Eyes are the other balls. Even women have eyes.
When it comes time to perform the eye poke maneuver you got to do it slow and controlled like giving someone a pen. Take the time to not actually poke your finger through their eye into their brain or pull the eye out of it’s socket. You’re just trying to maim them a little. You don’t want to break the membrane of the eye and get vitreous humor in your drink.
The outrageousness of this act will drive the victim and all three of his fat headed friends away from you, gibbering and swearing. This is because you have violated the Geneva convention of dumbfucks, that says “no eye poking” and “boo hoo hoo.” Fuck that loser shit. You on the screet.
Helpful hint: I’ve noticed that opiates can allow me to get to the top level of general no fucks given attitude helpful when stirring around somebody’s front brain.
QUALITY Fuck you pay me.
Never listen to some shithead who got better stuff in Peru, gassing about how it made their face numb. It’s like hippies talking about how acid was better back in the day. Everything was better before you started doing so many drugs and you weren’t so fucking stupid.
SEX Oh! The chicks you’ll get…Sike! Never going to happen. Or not as much as a seventies blacklite poster would have you believe.
People act like cocaine is all sex and rock and roll but it’s really just a laxative. The way to make sure you get laid on cocaine is to run out of the shit early. If a potential partner thinks you have an ounce you’ll be trapped listening to confessions through the bathroom door until dawn.
What you’ll find out pretty fast is that Freud just gacked suckers up and then stood around going “um hum yeah uh huh.” Don’t waste your life listening to people blather. Tell them firmly that you are a predator and all information they give you will be relayed to your overlords in the motorcycle gang.
FOUR O’ CLOCK RULE I learned the four o’clock rule in New York City from one of the kids from Kids. The idea is that upon inhaling an ounce of cocaine, cumulative, after four AM in the course of your life, you will turn gay. Because fuck it. You and your boy are both up and you’ll never get to sleep anyway. Might as well.
I’m not saying don’t do any blow after four in the morning, I’m just saying there a budget of heterosexuality that ends at the ingestion of an ounce of blow after four am, lifetime cumulative. The conversion to homosexuality occurs at the point of the last grain in the hetero ounce.
So, you have to budget your hetero ounce against how long you think you will live and how much you have done. Or just be gay.
LAUNDRY Check your pockets really good on laundry day or you will have to face the fact that you lost six hundred dollars in the wash.
EAT GOOD You need to plan to do some jail time and the best way to do that is to spoil yourself a little. For the memories.
GET SOME Get a safe. And a motorcycle, and some Johnny Walker Blue because why not? Get all the cool shit now because the commissary in county has a severely limited selection of wares.
FRIENDS Fuck a friend. What you need is partner. Someone who understands your crimes.
Becoming an outlaw is a real thing. No one will have sympathy for you except your boy. You’ll need a partner to watch your back, confer and serve your customers when you have to leave town. Your partner will also get the shit out of the safe before your mom does when you die.
RATES Face it man, riding a motorcycle torked out of your mind on an eightball and two yellow Vicodin is skilled labor. Highly skilled. So, thirty dollars is the minimum one can settle for as compensation for the commission of a skilled felony.
You are in a union now, so, no more felonies for fun. Remember every dollar you don’t make undersells the brotherhood of hoods, who are surprisingly sensitive to this matter. Think of it like this: every dollar you don’t make is not going to get thrown at a stripper, ergo, committing crimes for less than thirty bucks is to rob a single mother.
Follow these rules and you too can enjoy the sweet, sweet sanity that I enjoy as a writer with a stable income.
SOURCE

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